Valentine's Day is Sunday. For ladies it's a day of flowers, romance, chocolates, and things that don't smell like feet. For men, it's a test. It doesn't matter whether you've been in a relationship for 28 minutes, 28 days, 28 months, or 28 years like I have been. It's a test and the right answers are few and far between. The good news is that if you've found the right person they already expect to be disappointed by you. Why? Because they know you well enough to expect nothing more. Or even better they are already hard wired to think like you do.

How do you find these amazing partners that share your unique view of life? Or at least have the same tolerance level to life's trials and tribulations to not leave you with a mortgage and an ugly baby?  I have developed five strategic clandestine tests that you can use in public before there is even a relationship. By observing your might-be partner and their reactions to these situations you will know if you really are compatible.


  • 1

    Play Cards Against Humanity

    Cards Against Humanity is a card game that brings out the worst in all of us. Not the worst as in our temper like Monopoly does, but it lets those around us know just how sick our sense of humor is. It also gives those around us a taste of how cynical, sarcastic, mean, and irreverent we can really be.  The flip side of this is by playing this game you'll find out who gets their feelings hurt, who can take a joke, who has no tolerance for disgusting thoughts,who will call the police on you, and who spent the majority of their childhood burning ants with sunlight and a magnifying glass. If you find yourself bonding over Cards Against Humanity matches that would make the devil blush then chances are that person is sick enough to put up with your nonsense for eternity.
  • 2

    What Do They Order On Pizza ?

    There is no bad pizza. There are just people who ask for really crappy toppings on their pizza. Those people are the ones you want to avoid. If your could-be-intended is very particular about pizza toppings then that person is going to be just as anal retentive about you wearing the same underpants an entire weekend. You don't have to agree exactly on the toppings but watch where they draw the line. If they stop at pepperoni or sausage then you need to leave with the delivery guy. If they order pineapple on their pizza they have mental issues.  Pizza is love. Anyone who would dare mess with this perfect food is way too much trouble to enter into a relationship with.

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  • 3

    How Do They Act When They Can't Find Their Phone?

    If someone goes into a full blown panic attack within one minute of not knowing where their phone is then they have secrets and issues. They are best sent to go looking for their phone while you take your phone and the rest of your sanity away from ground zero. It's true we all have secrets and we all keep secrets on our phone. Those of us that are really sneaky have those things buried so deep in our phone's memory that Bill Gates would have to dig up Steve Jobs to find anything incriminating. The person who freaks out over a misplaced phone has something to hide and they are not smart enough to hide it well. Do you really want to reproduce with that?

  • 4

    Take Them Bowling

    Bowling is a physical activity, a competition, a social environment, and a chance to wear rented shoes. Here's what you're looking for in the physical activity arena. Do they have enough physical coordination to roll a ball down a narrow lane? If they do, that's a plus. You're looking for balance and physical acumen. Are they overly competitive? Do they have to win? All the time? Red flag if the answer is yes.  From the social aspect do they have the ability to carry on a conversation, drink a beer, and still know when it's their turn? We call it multi-tasking. Finally the rented shoes issue, if they can have a good time wearing a stranger's shoes, they will probably be able to walk in your shoes too. That makes problem solving in a relationship a lot easier.

  • 5

    How Do They Park Their Car?

    Parking a car is a simple enough task yet we all know people that don't do it very well. I am not talking about parallel parking either. Parking lots are societies attempt bring order into what would otherwise be a world of chaos. If your new true love can put it between the lines with ample space on each side that's a good thing. If they search for hours finding a spot that's closer, then they are needy. If they park in the fire lane or a handicapped spot without proper credentials then they should be set on fire and left for the buzzards.  You can tell a lot about a person by how they park their car.  The real question is how do they find order in a world that's in constant chaos.

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