Full Disclosure: I'm married. Married people celebrate Valentine's Day differently than other Facebook relationship statuses. We don't go in for all the lovey-dovey stuff, choosing instead to quietly affirm our affections in private, more intimate ways. At least, this is what we husbands tell our wives when we rent a romantic movie for a buck at the Redbox, then come home and "watch" it with her while playing video games on our phones and scratching ourselves in inappropriate places.

Still, the holiday is not entirely without merit. Sure, Valentine's Day could easily be renamed Suck Up To Your Girlfriend Or You're Gonna Regret It Day and no one would be the wiser, it's supposed to be an occasion to celebrate your love for the most important person in your life. So, in an effort to help you define how you should celebrate this most special day, I've decided to break it down into a simple list:


How To Celebrate Valentine's Day
Based On Your Facebook Relationship Status


    You're a strong, independent woman (or man) who don't need no man (or woman). You have your career. Your life goals. Your video games and cats. This year, celebrate the day for lovers by going to work early, staying late and calling in sick tomorrow morning while you work off the hangover you picked up from that counseling session with Dr. Whiskey and the marathon viewing of every John Cusack movie ever made.


    You're screwed. If you're "in a relationship", you're the target demographic for everything red, heart-shaped and/or made of chocolate. If you're someone's boyfriend, you need to send flowers to your girlfriend's job, because gloating to her co-workers is every girl's favorite part of the holiday. (Especially if you refuse to commit to anything serious; at least pretend to care enough by sending her a bouquet of roses. Nothing says, "I do love you. No, really!" like an beautiful arrangement of dying flowers.)

    After that, spring for reservations at an expensive restaurant and let her order the lobster. Later, get ready to spend the next several hours "cuddling" and "being romantic" .

    Valentine's Day is not your holiday, fellas.

    George Doyle

    You're also screwed. The same rules for "In a relationship" apply here, but set aside a block of time to either discuss your wedding plans, or be ready to break out the excuses concerning why you have yet to set a date for your nuptials. If you fall into the latter category, be sure to pop in a few John Hughes movies when you get home. If you're lucky, your fiance will fall asleep in your arms while '80s synth pop whisks her away to a romance-and-Judd Nelson-filled dreamland.

    Brand X Pictures

    Congratulations! You can get by with a box of chocolates and a nice, quiet evening at home. You've pledged your lives to one another. You love each other. Like, for real. You're in it for the long haul. All those displays of pink and lacy affection are for lovebirds, all short-lived and passionate.

    Married people have moved beyond puppy love, and are more like love sea turtles. We need to move slowly, because we have a long, monogamous life ahead of us.

    It's best not to peak too soon.

    Minerva Studio

    Since this is another way of saying that the person you love probably doesn't love you back, but you're either too blinded by your one-sided devotion or just too in love to care, you might want to look into celebrating Singles Awareness Day (SAD) instead of messing about with Valentine's Day. Staying home and sharing the pain of your misery with strangers on the internet is better than camping outside of your "soulmate's" house with a pair of binoculars and that stack of unopened love letters you sealed with the moisture of your own bitter tears. Plus, it doesn't violate your restraining order.


    Yeah, right. You're not fooling anyone, you know. And if you're telling the truth, then you're either very enlightened or very sketchy. Or both. I've seen people like you on late night "documentaries". I know what you're about.

    People choosing this as their relationship status are likely to be fans of modern pin-up girls, and believe that rockabilly fashion is a thing that's still around. They probably throw the word "swinger" around like a trail of candy from their windowless vans, and are generally best avoided altogether.